Re-evaluation...

Married life so far has been interesting. I never knew I had so many different ranges of anger and frustration. And it's not directly instigated by Sonny. It's just the balance of things right now. Or should I say, the imbalance of things? The biggest thing I keep thinking about is the general state of my social life. Ok. I've never been much of a butterfly. I had one really good friend in NY. He was tough on me sometimes, could see my potential and never failed to point out when I was slacking. He was funny (I called on him through some of the most difficult times in my adult life and he never failed to make me laugh at least twice during the conversation). He was immeasurably cool. We could walk through the streets of NY with not a care in the world and possibly less than 40 bucks between us. No direction, whatsoever. And still, I would go home lighthearted and happy at the end of the night. My best friend? Maybe. 500 miles away.

I loved my co-workers at my last job. They were considerate and funny and the most compassionate bunch of people I'd ever met. It was non-profit work, and that generally bands together people of a like-minded state. We all hated the way things were and wanted to make our little dent in the wall of oppression and ignorance. But even there, among people I could easily have developed a deep sisterhood with... I hesitated. Never suggested a happy hour nip. Never came out of my shell...at least not enough. In retrospect, I had a feeling I wouldn't be there very long. Even before Sonny interviewed for his reporter position in Ohio. My intuition is pretty strong sometimes...I dunno. It would've sucked severely to make a very-best-friend in NY...FINALLY, and then suddenly I'm in Lorain.

Among the cool co-workers I occasionally email and my best friend(?) there are a few people I've become associated with. Associates. These are the people I invited to my wedding. The people who insisted they were coming (with a guest) and then never showed. These are people who don't understand I'm a human being. Not only that, I'm sensitive. They would call me up, individually, and suggest we do something. I would say "Sure". And then they would never show. Just like they did at my wedding. It just feels like I know too many people like that. Say one thing and then do another.

Or maybe I've just had too much coffee this morning?