The silence screams, bathes me in boredom

Ok. I'm at the kitchen table watching the front door. The cat is sunbathing at my feet in the few stray rays of setting afternoon sun. I am actually waiting for the mailman to come. WTF?? I can glance up from where I sit and catch random images out the open front door. A car passing by, a kid on a bike, a plastic bag blowing around in the soft wind current. I can't stop my fevered brain from pondering, "he should have been here by now. Wonder if we didn't get mail today..." As if this were an important arrival I'm expecting. As if it will change my life when and if he does arrive. I'm not waiting on any special deliveries or anything like that. I have sworn off Ebay for lack of income, and my only package due won't be delivered my the postman. Oh...wait a sec.

The mailcarrier came. A pretty blonde with a pert nose and short tanned legs. She had a wisp of lipstick on and her nails were a great hot pink color that looked dull in the shade of our front doorway. She looked like the former cheerleader type. The type I never truly encountered in my high school, since there were only a handful of white students and (avoiding the stereotypes) they never joined the squad. That took all of 5 seconds...and now she's gone. The mail is scattered in front of me, having been sorted through and categorized: the church's, my own and Sonny's. My daily dose of distraction. Fuck, at least I got a couple magazines to devour.

I feel scattered, myself. All over and undone. Messy and untamed. Like Sonny should probably be armed with a trainer's whip when he enters the house at night. Instead, he has a smile. He's so happy here. This is perfect for him. I see this look in his eyes that can't be put to the pathetic sound track of words...but he's happy. Complete. He's home. I want so badly to abandon all my doubts and shed my restlessness and displeasure and take a long, soothing dip in his shaded pond of success. But I can't. No yet at least. Not when my own world is so much in a disarray. I have no job, license, car. That's never been an issue before. It's threatening to rip me apart...and so I feel undone. A little unwell. I'm pinned between my love and devotion to Sonny and his beautiful, buoyant dreams, and my own pitiful borderline desperation and exasperation with everything here. I need a serious french vanilla cappuccino break with a good listener. Someone who can kinda nudge me in the right direction. I can feel it...I am almost close to the right spot, the right path. I just need that little bit of help.

But then again, who on earth doesn't?