Show up, Slim down

I was yaking with Sonny this morning and I made a joke about how the cats were constantly underfoot. I said, "This is how it'll be to have children? I might as well become a giant and move to a village."

He said, "You already live in a village."

I responded, "Yes, but I'm not a giant. I'm petite, in fact."

This made Sonny chuckle. I marched over to his side of the room and tugged on his shoulder, "What?" I said.

"You were petite when I met you."

"Do you know what 'petite' means? It means short. I am short, Sonny!"

I don't know exactly why but this exchange put me in a somber mood this morning. It made me want to force Sonny's words down his own throat. Of course in order to do that I've got to lose some weight. I've managed to lose about 10 pounds and now it seems I'm capped out. I'm going to need a huge push to get my waist line to continue shrinking. I eat three times a day, and I've heard it's best to eat 5 small meals. But my thing is this: I want a sustainable weight loss plan. I don't want something that is good and functional until I step out with some pepperoni pizza or flirt with a hunk of chocolate cake. Life happens. Sometimes that damn cake is unavoidable. How can you be human and not enjoy a good slice of cake with a tall cold glass of moo juice? I need something that will modify my eating habits, make them better and yet allow me the real-life flexibility that anorexia or fad diets can not. And of course, I need to figure out a good gym routine to blast my gut, arms, thighs and other cellulite riddled parts of my anatomy.

Am I asking too much? Maybe. But I figure with the massive weight loss I got doing the Curves diet last year and the muscle tone I gained by doing Sonny's intensive gym workout at our old gym... I should be able to patch together something that will fit my needs and goals. I was doing a food diary online for awhile. I was amazed to learn that I intake about 1800 calories a day on average. 2000 on the weekends and/or if I attend a party with appetizers and drinks in consistent supply. My doctor suggested I exercise every day for 30 minutes and drop my intake to about 1200 calories a day. Is that possible? I haven't been able to do it yet. If I eat a sandwich, there goes 400 calories. *sigh* I'm talking myself out of a wonderful goal. I've got to keep going with this. See where it leads and if I can succeed. Why not?

Travel, my darling, travel

I make reference to two different vehicles in that one subject: education and my 94 Ford Taurus. The latter has been out of my possession for the past two days. I dropped her at the local mechanic's shop in hopes of getting some answers. Why does it feel like I could lose control at any moment when I'm on a bumpy patch of road? Why does she drift to the right if I release the wheel for a second? For my two days of trouble and circumventing my immobility by driving with my Sonny, what do I get? No answers, that's what! He can't figure out what's wrong with it, that mechanic, but he feels what I feel and knows what I mean. It's a casual, buttery shudder that makes me plank-stiff when I drive . I sense that it's getting worse, although I could just be more and more sensitive to it. I don't know what to do at this point. It's the winter slush that worries me. This car is ready to skid on dry pavement. Imagine bad weather.

Education. Yesterday, I felt strange. Almost... Stupid. It was the craziest thing. My brain has been rotting since I got here. I used to read a ton of books (when I rode the subway) and I visited MoMA when they had those free Fridays sponsored by Target. I wasn't refined, but I had sense that my mind was like a sponge in water: expanding and absorbing things. That isn't the case here. My heart has slightly softened to the town and I realize that you can't get blood from a turnip. Lorain is what it is and nothing I say and or do will change that. Anyway, what can you do when all of a sudden you feel stupid without any warning or true cause? I hopped on the internet and searched for some area schools. Why not? LCCC doesn't have any courses I want, but CSU (Cleveland State University) does. They even have weekend and evening classes. It felt good to get the old gears grinding again. Applying some oil to one particularly squeaky spring, I scheduled a Saturday tour of the campus. Sonny will be there, supportive and protective as usual. God, I love him. As brainless as I feel, I'm smart enough to know I probably wouldn't exist right now if not for my Sonny Boy. Love rocks :)

Soul-tired

And I have an odd ache in the center of my head. I don't think I picked my fro out too much, though I might have. It's a gray, storm-threatening day in Lorain. I'm soul-tired and I'd rather be home with the covers up to my neck reading my latest issue of Glamour or a good book. It's the kind of day reserved for hot chocolate and heavy sweaters and itchy tights. I can't complaint too badly. It's not raining, which is good. I'm nervous about driving in the rain ever since our hydroplaining accident in June. It's not bitterly cold out. But that usual arid caress of fall weather is in the air and unavoidable. Summer is over but my favorite season's been over with for months now: spring :)

So I guess this is just my rambling, indulgent blog today. I have no purpose except to get some things out of my head so I can continue to drag on. Although, my soul is still so tired. I need a soul-nap....

Alright, okay, you lose...

I don't know why the hell it's taken me so long, but the important thing is that I'm here! I'm finally over that lame dude who I thought was a friend of mine. I wrote about him here http://lovesessence.blogspot.com/2006/03/but-youll-be-on-my-mind.html I dunno what happened. I talked with Sonny about it one evening, just very calmly and very honestly. I decided to get it off of my chest. And Sonny assured me that I didn't need someone like that in my life. I just didn't. There isn't, nor will there ever be, a friendship between me and that person. For whatever reason, that is the way it is. The sooner I accept that and move it along the better off I'll be. And boy am I better off :D

Street Walkers

No. Not those kind of street walkers. I'm taking aim today, at people who walk in the middle of the street like they don't know they are liable to be killed. You'd swear they have Chevrolet stamped on their ass the way some of them march along the asphalt. In Lorain, it's a big problem. Look, I'm not the most amazing driver of all time, Okay? So you don't want to depend on me to do the swerve-spin-and-miss when I see you dead center in my lane, skipping along like you're Mayor Foltin or something and you damn well own the street. I understand that Lorain isn't the best when it comes to the upkeep of the sidewalks, but please... for the love of decency get OUT of the street when you see cars coming!! And for Heaven's sake DO NOT encourage your child to play "Chicken" with oncoming traffic. I was struck by a vehicle as a kid and I can tell you right now, it's not fun. It's not cute. And not everyone can be as lucky as I was and just walk away (well... hobble away on crutches).

This summer I saw a lot of people in cars stopped right in the middle of a lane (on side streets, yes, but come on!!). Two or three kids/adults/teens would be huddled around the driver's side window just completely oblivious to any oncoming traffic. Just as indifferent as you please. And if you happen to show up, well, you'd better just drive around them and make damn sure not to scratch the car or ding the street loungers. All it takes is a bit of common sense. Anybody could come sailing down the street, pedal to the metal, being pursued by cops. Do you think he'll give a damn how many people he has to flatten to avoid Johnny Law? Do you? And lemme not even get into someone who might be drunk driving. Can you expect that every driver you see has the good driving sense and the reflex ability to refrain from killing you? Just please... get out of the street. It's only common sense and you're liable to give me a heart attack. Thank you.

Anniversary... Year One.. and... ACTION!

Yes. My first wedding anniversary is approaching. It should be an outrageously exciting time, but instead the house is shrouded in sadness. We're too broke right now to do anything at all. A friend suggested having a romantic picnic in the park to celebrate. That's a fun & very precious idea, but I don't think we'll do it for two reasons: Spiders & Snakes. Tis the season for the little buggers and I don't want to come up against one while we're dining in the grass. Plus, I have been trying for months now to get Sonny out on a picnic. The idea doesn't thrill him, I suppose.

I keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter what we do: Dinner, Dancing or nothing at all... we're together and that's what counts. But at the same time, I can't help but trip over the fact that you can never have your first one year wedding anniversary again. When it's over it's over. I mean even if you remarry, it won't be your first one year wedding anniversary. I'm kind of torn between believing that it doesn't matter and knowing that it does...

For our first Valentine's Day as Mr. and Mrs. Sonny Boy, we didn't do anything. Nada. We worked that day and went home at the end of the night exhausted as hell. I had planned days in advance, to pop a bottle of champagne that night and toast to the occassion. But that champagne is still in the back of our fridge, unopened, ignored and forgotten. Sonny's just not as romantic as he used to be since we moved here, I guess. He doesn't seem excited about our upcoming date. Doesn't seem to care, really. I had to remind him of which weekend it was, as a matter of fact.

I've got just one word: Ouch :(